|Cop kills a crazy lady serving pizza in Costco...excessive force? (13) | Posted on May 30, 2013, 1:07 a.m.|
|What a bunch of dimwits. Apparently all a cop has to do is shoot to kill at everything that threatens them without thinking and voila they're doing their job. Glad I don't live in your neighborhood. |
And the troll card? Seriously? What are you, ten?
|Cop kills a crazy lady serving pizza in Costco...excessive force? (8) | Posted on May 30, 2013, 12:57 a.m.|
|From: Steamster | #004|
That's just one part of the very first sentence and it makes a world of difference.
They are trained to disarm and disable. Not spray bullets at anything and everything that comes at them. How hard is it to move out of the way, shoot her in the foot, have the partner tackle her from behind? Anything but take her life.
|Cop kills a crazy lady serving pizza in Costco...excessive force? (5) | Posted on May 30, 2013, 12:54 a.m.|
|From: Distortoise | #003|
You don't just walk off a successful taser shot...
Even if she did just walk it off, I doubt she would have been in good condition. But apparently a woman shambling off a taser is still too much for these keepers of the peace to handle.
|Why are sluts attractive? (5) | Posted on May 30, 2013, 12:51 a.m.|
|Because taste is subjective?|
|Cop kills a crazy lady serving pizza in Costco...excessive force? (1) | Posted on May 30, 2013, 12:50 a.m.|
Two deputies went to the store to check a report of a disorderly person and used a Taser to try to subdue the woman, Loudoun Sheriff Michael Chapman said. But the woman kept advancing, so one of the deputies fired at her and killed her, the sheriff said. The second deputy was wounded, possibly when a bullet ricocheted and hit his leg.
This is just sad. If you can't depend on your police to subdue a mentally ill woman without showering the place with bullets and killing her, who can you depend on? Where did these guys train, the Police Academy?
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (44) | Posted on Feb. 21, 2013, 12:15 a.m.|
|UNFORTUNATE ANNOUNCEMENT TIME GUYS:|
I'm putting this project on definite hiatus. With my first year of med school nearing its climactic end I just don't have the time or the energy at the moment to give this crappy book the hate and attention it deserves. I will pick this up again immediately when summer vacation starts, which for me is only a month away. As much as I enjoy tearing this book a new one, I want to be a doctor even more, so for now I'm putting the brakes on this train wreck so I can concentrate on other books that make my brain melt, but for different, better reasons. I hope you guys will still be around when I return. I'll bump this topic up for a few days to get the word out, but after that it can purge. I'll have a new Part 2 up and ready in a month, and hopefully it will go full speed ahead without any more distractions.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (22) | Posted on Feb. 12, 2013, 5:41 a.m.|
|From: scar the 1 | #020|
This is a perfect example of someone looking far too hard for stuff that's bad. I don't doubt that the book is horrible, but some of the stuff you post is just so contrived. Just write what you think instead of trying to come up with something bad for each sentence.
I'd rather not. Because then I would just write about what YOU think I should think is bad, and that's some Inception nonsense I don''t want to bother with.
If you can give me a good reason why I shouldn't rail on a "heroine" who continually longs to be raped in her sleep, then maybe I'll tone it down some. I probably won't though, because I really do think this book is as reprehensible as I'm making it out to be, but I'm still interested in your opinion, in the event you actually back it up.
|So...where's the topic 2 of the 50 Shades of Grey readthrough? (13) | Posted on Feb. 11, 2013, 8:13 a.m.|
|Part 2 is now posted. See you there!|
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (7) | Posted on Feb. 11, 2013, 8:11 a.m.|
|She continues to secrete for a while still and then…we get our first appearance of the infamous inner goddess!|
Oh, he’s affected all right – and my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba
“Nice to meet you! There’s plenty of room up there, and you and the only other tenant, Subby, should get along just fine.” *whispers* “She’s not quite right in the head anymore, but judging from all the samba you’re doing I don’t think crazy will be a problem for you!”
Creepy remarks that she brushed her teeth (so he had expected her mouth to taste like vomit?), and Whiney confesses without a fight. Creepy smiles at this, because there can’t be anything about you people that isn’t gross.
He pulls her out and they frolic into the sunset, hopefully to be run over by another bicycle.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (6) | Posted on Feb. 11, 2013, 8:11 a.m.|
|If you think that was a load of nonsense, you’re probably right. But I think this serves a purpose. This is Creepy’s concern for all the poor, starving people in the world finally being shown and put on display for us to fawn and sigh dreamily at. But the problem is that that’s all this is: a display. He’s just rattling off names and locations in a bid to make us think he cares about any of it. Darfur? Probably the most tragically impoverished area on the planet? Surely that would get an orgasm or three if Creepy was presented trying to help them with his vast generosity. |
Too bad it’s an utter failure. You don’t show a character’s compassion by having them babbling incoherently on the phone. You show that compassion in real time, having him go down on his knees on the street, feeding Whiney’s leftovers to a homeless person. You show it through simple actions that hint at his huge heart. To me, this sounds like E.L. James just heard about the tragedies in Darfur on the news and decided to shove it into her porn story for some cheap character development. It’s completely reprehensible and insensitive to the real people living there to have their suffering used as bullet points in some awful book, but what do you really expect from this author?
No mention is made of Darfur or that phone call again and for all intents and purposes it might as well have never happened, which shows just how much of a pointless afterthought that really was. Whiney has several more paragraphs of internal “conflict”, going in circles about whether Creepy likes her or not. That’s nice, but what do you think of Darfur?
They walk to the elevator, and both of them must really have a thing for tight metal boxes because they both start to hyperventilate as with Chapter One. Only this time…
“Oh, f*** the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator.
Yeah, this is happening now. Joy. *yawns and starts up DS*
Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips.
*rolls eyes and plays Phoenix Wright, not giving a s***
His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine.
*sighs and closes DS, puts it down…and pulls out PSP* What? You think I’m going to talk about how he manhandles her like a caveman? He probably won’t make it a full minute, so like good rape victims we all just have to grit our teeth and bear it. *starts kicking ass with strong female characters in Tekken*
He takes full advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this.
*looks up briefly* You haven’t been kissed period. I can recall your sad life story better than you can.
My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that’s all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind.
*smashes PSP against a wall* I’m probably going to regret that later, but…what? That has to be the most poorly described kiss I’ve ever read. “Touch and sensation”? As opposed to smell and paralysis? “Bump and grind”? Now you’re making me think of two man-sized tongues humping against each other on the dance floor! This is far from arousing.
“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs, each word a staccato.
I think my grandma told me that once. We were in a broom closet and not an elevator, but the sentiment was the same.
Whiney feels his little friend poking against her belly, and before Creepy can stab her with it in public the elevator mercifully opens and disturbs their tongue grinding like most elevators are wont to do. The guests make no note of the smell of desperation in the air, and Whiney marvels at Creepy’s easy composure. You should have yanked on his hair then and we’ll see how cool he looks.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (4) | Posted on Feb. 11, 2013, 8:10 a.m.|
|And he already answered your question as to his ability to sex, and yet you somehow doubt that he’s a virgin??? SOMEHOW?!?! CAN YOU NOT RECALL THINGS THAT HAPPENED ONLY SECONDS AGO?!?! SSDLKFSNDFKJSDDKLNVLJERHGOJIPVLRNV3[O59T8U0OFNQOP4IHFONFLSNVEOUWPRGTLSDHVOWRPHFSONVROGHEOIRHVEPRH[PHGIHERG!!!! |
And I don’t know if she’s really suggesting what I think she’s suggesting, because the writing is just that bad, but it sounds an awful lot to me like she thinks that people who just sleep in bed together are expected to have sex. This goes back to the start of this chapter when she lamented about how Creepy didn’t screw her in her sleep, so this sounds quite logical for her.
Her mind babbles on inside its conch shell and calls Creepy “mystifying”, for absolutely no reason. See, E.L.? This is what happens when you just have characters say positive things about other characters without ever showing any evidence to back it back. Are my Writing 101 lectures getting through at all? You have quite a talent though for showing how despicable and unlikable they are. Perhaps you can turn that energy around and use it for good?
Whiney thinks how nice it would have been to watch him sleep, which is a breath of fresh air. If there was one thing we needed a gender-role reversal for, it was the creepy sleep staring.
She rummages through a chest of drawers in his bedroom and immediately finds a hairdryer, which is…where no one keeps a hairdryer. He never told her where the hairdryer was, and there were no flashing signs pointing her to its hiding place. Her first instinct should have been to search for it in the bathroom. Well, I guess when it comes to hair, Whiney is practically psychic. That’s a superpower I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
She heads to the bathroom and dries her hair. Then she spots Creepy’s toothbrush…and Barry White begins playing in the background.
I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth.
*rocks back and forth* I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe this is happening.
Hmm… Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.
I can’t believe this happened! That is absolutely disgusting! What is wrong with you people?! You don’t use another person’s toothbrush! You just…you don’t! It is SO not like “having him in your mouth” (I felt sicker just typing that). The human mouth is dirtier than your toilet seat! This isn’t like swapping spit; you just brushed your teeth with several months’ worth of a man’s oral trash! And as much as I hate Creepy, and I would have supported you if you had done this for revenge, you had no right to violate a stranger’s toothbrush with your own vomit flavored mouth! This isn’t sexy; this is nasty and unhygienic. I shudder to think how many lonely housewives have tried copying this behavior to spice up their sex lives. I’m not letting any of these people in my bathroom, ever!
After that filthy display, Whiney changes into her newly bought clothes, and Creepy is right there watching. No mention is made on just how long he was standing there. He’s talking on his phone, and my instincts say its long distance, because it’s REALLY hard to tell.
“They want two?… How much will that cost?... Okay, and what safety measures do we have in place?… And they’ll go via Suez?… How safe is Ben Sudan?... And when do they arrive in Darfur?... Okay, let’s do it. Keep me abreast of progress.” He hangs up.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (3) | Posted on Feb. 11, 2013, 8:09 a.m.|
|Oh, cuz he’s trying to fix world hunger, right? That’s some consistent characterization! I’d commend you James, if you didn’t also have him ordering more food than she could possibly eat on a stomach ravaged by a hangover that he partially caused! Well that sure collapsed rather quickly, huh?|
I will still give you kudos though, because it is totally in character for him to blame her for his wastefulness and stupidity.
“I can’t eat all this.” I gape at what’s left on the table.
“Eat what’s on your plate. If you’d eaten properly yesterday, you wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be declaring my hand so soon.” His mouth sets in a grim line. He looks angry.
Your “hand”? The hand you’ll beat her with? Are you going to smack her if she doesn’t eat? I’m getting a little tired of being enraged when he treats her like some disobedient dog, because I know this behaviour is going to be a mainstay in these books, so its best to just harden myself to this f***ery.
What I’m still not getting used to though are all the fragments “childhood” peppered all over this horrendous book. Does anyone else find it disturbing how childlike Whiney sounds in this, and the way she’s being treated? I’d think this was coincidental, but this has happened plenty of times already so I’m not so sure. E.L. James has some major issues.
Whiney thinks to herself that she’s just too excited to eat, which is gross on a whole different level.
But I’m too much of a coward to voice these thoughts aloud,
You’re not even together yet and you’re already afraid to talk freely for fear of how he’d react. Romance of the century? How can anyone doubt it.
especially when he looks so sullen. Hmm, like a small boy. I find the thought amusing.
Oh. My. God. It happened again! Stop it! Stop with the comparisons to children! Get it the f*** away!
Creepy wonders why she’s laughing, but says no more when she polishes her doggy bowl. He is just so pleased with his little pet, which is understandable, considering what a mangy, food-unfinishing mongrel she was when this story began. These characters have come a long way since then.
“Good girl,” he says. “I’ll take you home when you’ve dried your hair. I don’t want you getting ill.” There’s some kind of unspoken promise in his words. What does he mean?
You know his words are an “unspoken promise”, a description real people have used exactly never, and yet you have no idea what it means? You’re the one who gave that vague qualifier in the first place, you should know what it means! I don’t think I’ve ever seen narration this stupid.
Whiney obediently leaves the table like a good domesticated animal and pads towards the bedroom, but a mystery consumes her.
“Where did you sleep last night?” I turn to gaze at him still sitting in the dining room chair. I can’t see any blankets or sheets out here – perhaps he’s had them tidied away.
“In my bed,” he says simply, his gaze impassive again.
He slept in the same bed as the woman he kidnapped and stripped. I don’t think I need to say any more than that.
“Yes, it was quite a novelty for me too.” He smiles.
“Not having… sex.” There – I said the word. I blush – of course.
“No,” he shakes his head and frowns as if recalling something uncomfortable. “Sleeping with someone.” He picks up his newspaper and continues to read.
What in heaven’s name does that mean? He’s never slept with anyone? He’s a virgin? Somehow I doubt that.
Where to begin. Where. To. Be. Gin. First of all, while he did sleep beside her drunken, half naked body, he didn’t sleep sleep with her. This excuses everything!
Second of all, what the f*** is with this preteen crap? Am I really supposed to buy that she has this much trouble distinguishing the definitions of “sleeping”? Are you f***ing twelve?
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (2) | Posted on Feb. 11, 2013, 8:09 a.m.|
|White…slave? White-slave? Is this an expression that people actually use? What does it even mean? Are the slaves white? Are white people producing non-white slaves and shipping them off? What the hell does this even mean?!|
Not that I would ever doubt that Creepy uses slaves to support his multibillion-dollar stalking industry, I still have to ask why Whiney needed to bring ethnicity into the issue, and in such an incoherent fashion. On the topic of child labor, do white slaves even exist?
Is he part of some underworld crime syndicate? It would explain why he’s so rich.
Its startling that she can make such sound judgments about his character like these, and yet continually fails to notice the obvious…THAT HE WANTS TO PEEL OFF YOUR SKIN AND WEAR IT AS A DRESS!
I’m not stupid of course. I know E.L. James is just dumbing her down and forcing her to skirt around that fact in order to build tension. Like everything she attempts, it’s an abysmal failure.
Is he deeply religious? Is he impotent?
And now we’ve gone from plot-induced stupid to just plain stupid. What sort of drugs could create thought processes like these? Yes, he is drawing out this out for a few more days so he can tell you that he’s an impotent rabbi and incapable of f***ing you. That is what this is about. HE JUST WANTS TO TELL YOU THAT HE CAN’T SCREW YOU SO YOU’LL BE ON YOUR WAY THAT’S IT THE END! THIS WHOLE STORY WAS BORN FROM THE DESPERATION OF A HOLY MAN WHO CAN”T EJACULATE! DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO YOU THIS MAKES COMPLETE SENSE TO ME!!
And he just brought up a SEX CONTRACT. What does that have to do with any of these? Unless you really think he’s satanic and wants to sign over your soul to the Devil this logic is effed to the max.
Surely not, he could prove that to me right now.
Like, on your face? Or just by whipping it out on the table and showing you how sturdy it can get…BEFORE unloading his bounty on your face? Does E.L. James really think men are like this? That it’s their duty as Men to prove how virile and masculine they are, and women solely exist as an outlet for that? I’m starting to think it’s not just women who are getting abused here.
Whiney blushes from all the scandalous imagery (Papal regalia? We all have our kinks I guess…) and calls Creepy a “riddle”. *snort* Don’t give him so much credit. Even nursery rhymes are beyond your mental capabilities, sweetheart.
Whiney confirms that they can see each other that night, and Creepy calls her Eve…for no apparent reason. Then they have some stupid banter about smirking because its not enough that Creepy abuses it as one of his only three facial expressions, now they have to TALK about it.
He calls up his bodyguard and babbles to him in military lingo, the gist of it being he wants his helicopter prepped for his use that night. Whiney is completely stupefied that he’s going to take her out on a helicopter and she feels so much like a princess in a fairy tale and I just barfed in my coffee while typing this. Her jaw leaving a crack on his floor, he orders her to get over it and finish her breakfast, because that’s what he does.
How can I eat now? I’m going to Seattle by helicopter with Christian Grey. And he wants to bite my lip… I squirm at the thought
I literally cannot keep track of this woman’s thought patterns anymore. I don’t remember them being this screwy in the beginning. If E.L. James was a capable writer, she could present this as her mind slowly rotting away from all the drugs he’s been lacing in her food and drinks, because she’s not quite dumb enough. I know that’s completely bogus, but excuse me for trying to add some spice to this tripe.
“Eat,” he says more sharply. “Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food… eat.”
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (Part 2) (1) | Posted on Feb. 11, 2013, 8:08 a.m.|
|Hello everyone. I have returned to mock another day. We are now on Part 2 of our quest to eviscerate the living daylights out of the Fifty Shades series, and at this rate we should reach the end by Part 10 or so. Hopefully you'll all still have a lot to say by then, if this series doesn't completely burn out your medulla oblongatas (used incorrectly of course, ala E.L. James). |
For the newcomers who'd like to start from the beginning or just those who are feeling nostalgic, I've compiled my readings thus far into a PDF. This is everything up to Chapter 5, which is including the current segment.
If you'd rather read the old topic as it was, just PM me and I'll give you the link to that site.
So without adieu, let's dive bag in. Put on your gas masks!
Chapter Five (Part 3)
And I’m back, rounding out this train wreck of a chapter. When last we left off, Creepy tried to entice us into giving a s*** about this story by mentioning the sex contract, and Whiney was like “what?!”
Creepy, of course, elaborates.
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly what I say.” He sighs and shakes his head at me, amused, but exasperated too.
…or not. But why the hell is he “exasperated” at her? For being a little baffled after learning that she has to sign a contract before he can start abusing her? I know he’s given plenty of “hints” that he’s a crossroads demon trying to buy away her soul and she shouldn’t be all that surprised, but still.
And, would it kill E.L. James to show these bevy of emotions that Creepy’s putty-like face is continually cycling through with every line instead of telling them to us? It’s like she’s getting paid by the adjective.
Creepy asks her when she gets off work, because he didn’t already learn that from tapping her cell phone. He promises to explain everything, which is of course BS, but we have no choice but to roll with it.
“Well, we could go to Seattle this evening or next Saturday for dinner at my place, and I’ll acquaint you with the facts then. The choice is yours.”
I believe you, because you are someone who respects her choices. Like that time she chose to rebuff your offer to come get her at the club and you threatened to chase her down anyway…oh wait, bad example. Umm…oh, or that time you forced her to get even more drunk after she made it abundantly clear she wasn’t enjoying it and…uh, nope, wrong again. Oh wait! I got one! Or that time she chose to return those ultra-expensive books you foisted on her and you basically told her “f*** you, I can do what I want” and…uh, not that either…
Sorry guys, I got nothin’.
“Why can’t you tell me now?” I sound petulant.
Oh my. Our heroine doesn’t even know she’s being petulant. She just thinks she sounds petulant. Clearly her vague sense of self is a result of not being completely tethered to her body.
“Because I’m enjoying my breakfast and your company. Once you’re enlightened, you probably won’t want to see me again.”
“I DO BDSM!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!” No, Creepy, the real reason people run away from you in terror is because you hurt and abuse people for your own enjoyment, not because you like to get a little kinky under the sheets.
Ten bucks says this book will confuse those two simple concepts anyway.
Holy s***. What does that mean? Does he white-slave small children to some Godforsaken part of the planet?
|So...where's the topic 2 of the 50 Shades of Grey readthrough? (5) | Posted on Feb. 9, 2013, 12:23 a.m.|
|Worry not guys. I'm just taking a short hiatus to sort my life out before I dive into more creepy. Expect Part 2 in a few days.|
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (483) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 10:39 p.m.|
|From: Kazuma_Yagami | #480|
Your analysis is more disgustingly repetitive than the book tbh. I like how you pointed out that Ana said Christian was a stalker, but yet he was comforting. But you took it the wrong way and perceived at as bad writing. You should be able to tell that Ana herself is surprised about how she feels. Christian causes her to feel a spectrum of emotions. That's what you should get out of the scene. Not: SHE JUST SAID HE WAS A STALKER DURR, BUT NOW SHE FEELS DURR COMFORTABLE??? I DON'T GET IT....SO IT'S BAD WRITING LOL
Its clear to me that you haven't read any of my other posts, or else my views on Ana's thought patterns wouldn't be such a shock. Since you lack any concept of how human beings behave, let me give you a refresher. Since she met him Ana has been constantly pointing out what a control freak Christian is and that he disturbs her, and only just recently has started referring to him as a stalker. And yet at no point has she ever actually tried to deal with these less than flattering observations. She spouts them off, showing us for the briefest moment that she has an iota of survival instincts, and then is immediately right back to drooling over how hot he is. There are no "spectrum of emotions". There's "mildly disturbed" and "OMG GREATEST LUV EVAH!!!" with nothing in between.
Even then, "spectrum of emotions" is not an excuse. Since she's a person, there needs to be a logical reason for why her brain operates the way it does if anyone's ever to relate to her, but no reason is ever given. One second she's thinking he's a creep, and the next she wants to bang him. This isn't complex, this is bad writing, and she comes off as a shallow moron, or at worst brain damaged.
I would prefer if you didn't presume to lecture me about how I criticize this book. I'm taking time out of my life in order to understand what the deal is with this horrible book so I wouldn't HAVE a biased opinion. Clearly you're the one who's biased here. I'm not even sure if we've read the same book, or perhaps you were too busy thinking with your loins to notice the words on the page. Make your own analysis instead of tripe like "spectrum of emotions" and maybe I'll start caring about your opinion.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (476) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 6:06 p.m.|
Why does this s*** have 400+ posts?
Yawn...these comments are becoming as tedious as this book. >__>
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (467) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 2:33 a.m.|
|He’s not celibate.|
She’s working at noon.
It’s still ten.
Kate and she are going to start packing for their move to Seattle.
She’s working all week.
She can’t remember the address of her new residence (*motherf***ing facewall*).
Oh, a line that I can quote! Thank you!
Where is he going with all these questions? The Christian Grey Inquisition is almost as irritating as the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition.
“Please stop talking to me like a normal person who’s actually interested in me as a human! Let’s just shut up and breathe erratically for a while…the first one who blushes wins!”
Okay, back to your regularly scheduled boredom.
She’s applied to internships.
He wants her to apply to his company.
She chews her lip.
He wants to chew her lip.
She thinks that’s the sexiest thing ever.
There’s a faint pulse, and Whiney asks him why he doesn’t just do it and take a big meaty chunk off her lip.
“Because I’m not going to touch you Anastasia - not until I have your written consent to do so.” His lips hint at a smile.
Holy cow! Is this the first sign of that sex contract I’ve heard so much about? That’s sounds microscopically interesting! Which is why I’ll have to stop here for now. I’m burning the midnight oil to get these out, and I need a break from all this sexual tension. And since E.L. James can’t handle cliffhangers, I thought I’d help her out a bit here.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (466) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 2:33 a.m.|
|Ah. I see. This is why these books are popular. From the few articles I’ve read, it’s now become obvious where the wish fulfillment really lies in all this, and it’s not with the kinky sex. The fantasy is having a guy who will treat you like ho bag and buy your every need and want, someone who will shower you with opulence without any apparent strings attached. Women wish they could just run into a rich psycho and be whisked away into a life of luxury. It doesn’t matter that they’re going to be dominated and oppressed. Whiney’s one real good quality thus far is wanting to return his gifts and pay him back, and that single shred of strong moral fiber is being summarily snuffed out. What women want is to be told to just screw all that self-sacrificing nonsense and just take what is offered, because while they may say no, what they really desire is to be treated like queens and not have to do anything to deserve it. |
Feminism? Who gives a s*** about feminism! We just want our foot rubs yo!
Whiney bows out of the argument, naturally, and asks him why he sent the gifts in the first place. Feel free to jump out of the caboose. There’s gonna be a train bonfire!
“Well, when you were nearly run over by the cyclist – and I was holding you and you were looking up at me – all kiss me, kiss me, Christian,” he pauses and shrugs slightly, “I felt I owed you an apology and a warning.”
First of all, what kind of ass-hat actually points out to a woman’s face that she was desperate to bang him? Only an extreme douche with a knack for shaming women, that’s who. And second of all, LOL? This “stay away from me” garbage again? We all know why you said that, and it has nothing to do with anything that happened in this series. For an entire week you two were effectively f***ed off, and then out of the blue you send her books expensive enough to feed a 3rd world village, so she’d continue to stay away. You must have known she’d be very confused by this gesture and would try to give them back.
And here you are. Mission accomplished.
“Anastasia, I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man, I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear from me.”
BORED SO BORED BLA BLA F***ITY BLA!!
He closes his eyes as if in defeat. “There’s something about you, though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you’ve figured that out already.”
“And in case you haven’t, you are dumb, tractable, naïve, weak, and so clueless about the world and everything in it that it is shocking you haven’t microwaved your own head yet. It also helps that you are virtually friendless so no one will give a s*** once I lock you in here. I love you!”
Such bad writing. When you can’t think of anything interesting to say about your own character, just have all the other characters remark about how awesome she is while wondering why she is awesome! Stephenie Meyer should sue E.L. James just for this stupid, lazy trick alone.
Whiney urges him not to stay away, and he replies she doesn’t what she’s saying. She really doesn’t. No, I mean, literally, she doesn’t. If she did, then she wouldn’t have said this…release the crickets!
“You’re not celibate then?” I breathe.
*facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall**facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall**facewall* *facewall* *facewall* *facewall*
Creepy then asks her what her plans are for the week, and everything that follows reads like the most boring interview by the two most boring people on this entire not-actually-that-boring planet. Not a single line serves to develop either of them as characters, and they might as well just be reading from day planners. I won’t subject you to it, but I’ll summarize the “pertinent” information.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (465) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 2:32 a.m.|
|I can’t even begin to decipher this crap this is like another language now! Sorry b**** I don’t speak Mary Sue!|
She’s only done this twice before, and both times I’ve had to endure the hideous pink PJs for a week from the fallout.
Holy moly Kate has had casual sex within your vicinity exactly TWO TIMES ready the bomb shelter and the herpes medication! What an awful slut she is for having one night stands with men she’s not interested in having commitments with! Why isn’t she more like our good, clean Whiney who falls in lurv with freaks at the drop of a hat??
She’s going to think I’ve had a one-night stand too.
If you were smart like Kate that is all you will. Get in bed, lose your virginity, let him spank you for a bit, spit out whatever he offers you, and then when he’s asleep get out and RUN THE F*** AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!
This train suddenly crashes to a halt and Creepy “commands” her to sit by the dining table, which is topped with everything from pancakes, syrup, eggs and bacon, everything that a growing stomach needs while going through baby’s first hangover.
Whiney snidely thanks him for the inappropriate spread by whacking his head with a thesaurus.
“That’s very profligate of you,” I murmur
“Wasteful” or “extravagant” would have sufficed, my dear. We’re not going to forget that you read big words from “classic British literature” if you stopped showing off. Also, unless the pancakes are made with truffles and the eggs from caviar, I don’t quite understand your reaction. Also also, if I have to read “murmur” one more time I’m going to punch you in the throat and then you’ll not have a choice!
Creepy offers her some tea, which is the same grocery store brand that they had at that diner. How many billions did you say you make?
And then…more controlling bulls***! I had survived three paragraphs without it so I was starting to miss it.
“Your hair’s very damp,” he scolds.
“I couldn’t find the hairdryer,” I mutter, embarrassed. Not that I looked.
Christian’s mouth presses into a hard line, but he doesn’t say anything.
He already said it. He said that you shouldn’t come to the table with your hair wet you disgusting slob! Did your parents raise you in a bucket? How dare you come within five feet of a gentleman while trailing moisture on his carpet! He should discipline you right now, but I bet he’s afraid he’ll get some droplets on the seat cushions if he spanked you there! You better hope he lets this slide.
Of course, this rather obscure rule in the Manners and Etiquette Guidebook only applies to womens, because Lord Grey certainly couldn’t be bothered with following them himself when he first entered the hotel at the day of the photoshoot:
Holy Crap! He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower.
This is not hypocrisy, this is a Man who knows his place in the world, and the womens place is lying flat beneath his heel, hair dry of course.
They start talking about the clothes he bought her, and I don’t care. Creepy gets angry when Whiney offers to pay for them, and suddenly I’m awake.
“I should give you some money for these clothes.”
He glares at me as if I have offended him on some level. I hurry on
…let me put on a lid on my rage for the moment, okay? As this is going to get very gross, very fast.
“You’ve already given me the books, which, of course, I can’t accept. But these clothes, please let me pay you back.” I smile tentatively at him.
“Anastasia, trust me, I can afford it.”
“That’s not the point. Why should you buy these for me?”
“Because I can,” his eyes flash with a wicked gleam.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (464) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 2:32 a.m.|
|She plays with Creepy’s body wash and rubs it between her legs while thinking about his fingers, because that’s totally appropriate to do in someone else’s shower. Creepy calls her out for breakfast and her little finger play is cut short. We are then treated to a step by step laundry list of what people do when stepping out of the shower. Clearly this is going to be very important to the plot in the event it decides to exist.|
Hastily, I dry myself, ignoring the pleasurable feel of the towel rubbing against my over-sensitized skin.
Clearly you’re not ignoring it, since you just acknowledged it. What would you do if you were “not” ignoring it? Cry out, sob tears of joy and explode in a supernova of orgasms as you rub the towel against your skin? This isn’t virginity, this is a mental handicap.
Being a complete neophyte, she goes into rhapsodies over the exquisite pair of panties that Creepy’s bodyguard acquired for her, which is a perfect fit. So, Creepy didn’t measure her after all. He had help.
They are an exquisite design of some fancy European lingerie. All pale blue lace and finery. Wow. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear.
Oh for f***’s sake plug it up! And I had no idea Europe was particularly renowned for their underwear, as I’ve seen plenty of high-end lingerie stores stateside. I guess this is just a shout out from E.L. James to her motherland. Also, “pale blue lace and finery” doesn’t really call to mind anything particularly fancy. You could find underwear of that exact description in the discount pile in a department store.
This constant stunned awe at every little mundane thing that goes on around her is really starting to get on my nerves. Then again everything she does gets on my nerves.
Another paragraph of boring minutia and another boring whine about what a chore her hair is and Whiney is finally dry and presentable and stumbles into the dining room. I swear E.L. James must have been on some stellar shrooms while she was writing this chapter because we are AGAIN run over by one of the train-wreckiest (I know that’s not a word) train of thoughts I’ve ever seen.
It’s the size of a tennis court or something, not that I play tennis, though I have watched Kate a few times. Kate!
So comparing the room to a tennis court…leads to you pointlessly clarifying that you don’t play tennis…because in order to recognize a tennis court you have to play tennis…and this all leads to Kate…for some reason…my brain can’t take much more of this nonsense…
So Whiney finally remembers the best friend she left behind when Creepy kidnapped her. She need not worry though because Creepy has thought of everything…meaning Kate should be there with the ransom any minute now.
“She knows you’re here and still alive. I texted Elliot,” he says with just a trace of humor.
He texted Elliot. Of course he did. Did he also send him a facebook message? Perhaps a helpful tweet? You are f***ing adults! When you abscond with someone’s dumb and dependent friend YOU F***ING CALL THEM A-HOLE!!!
And I’m so glad he said that with a “trace” of humor. It’s nice when evil characters are aware of how creepy and unsettling they are and throw us bones like these.
Oh no. I remember her fervent dancing of the night before. All her patented moves used with maximum effect to seduce Christian’s brother no less! What’s she going to think about me being here?
Crash! That’s the sound of another train wreck! Since you think your friend is such a dirty whore and is nothing but wanton scum in your eyes, why would it matter what she thinks of you? Are you afraid that she’ll think you’re a whore too, just like her? Are you afraid that she’ll make you wear whore bracelets and attend whore meetings where all the local whores can share their dirty whore experiences and nibble on finger foods in the shapes of peenises because they’re whores??
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (463) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 2:31 a.m.|
|Creepy is surprised to find her out of bed, because recovering from a hangover (and roofies) is like pneumonia or something. He informs her that he sent her jeans to the cleaners as it was splashed with her vomit, which makes sense after he told her only a few paragraphs ago that she never once hurled on herself. Does anybody here have a working brain? Anyone?|
“Oh.” I flush scarlet. Why oh why does he always catch me on the back foot?
It must be incredibly offending to some Brits out there that people are learning about British slang from such a terrible book and likely mistaking them for American. I’m not going to look up what “back foot” means, because I’d rather learn that from a decent novel that’s ACTUALLY set in Britain.
Creepy directs her to a bag with a freshly bought pair of pants and shoes, because not only did he strip her but he took her measurements as well while she was out cold just so he could flaunt his wealth. Whiney feels this is an unexpected bonus. Of course you would, you ho.
Whiney slinks to the bathroom to take her shower, but before doing so regresses to her Twilight roots and compares Creepy’s naked perfection to Michelangelo’s David. I much prefer this comparison to the last one as they have much more in common, specifically their teeny tiny pr!cks.
Whiney is really enjoying her shower, so much that it’s making her desperately pine for Creepy, a sensation that’s totally alien to her. Uh huh. The heat must be hard-boiling that egg she calls a head, because we get another dose of that trademark Whiney Logic©.
He said he likes his women sentient. He’s probably not celibate then.
You heard it here folks:
Celibacy = Sex with Inanimate Objects and/or the Dead.
Honestly, I would pay a premium to hear this woman give scholarly lectures, preferably in a circus. Any topic will do. Hell, she could make the art of opening jars sound hilariously illogical.
But he’s not made a pass at me, unlike Paul or José. I don’t understand. Does he want me? He wouldn’t kiss me last week. Am I repellent to him?
So repellant that he followed you to your place of business, dragged you into an interrogation about your love life, sent you $50,000 dollar books and sat in a hotel for a week waiting for any excuse to corner and kidnap you. Perhaps you should think about getting repellants, like pepper spray or a semi-automatic.
You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you Ana. You do the math. My subconscious has reared her ugly, snide head.
I’m really starting to hate Subby. That gas leak from before has really ruined her, or perhaps it’s just the prolonged exposure to Whiney’s radioactive brain tissue. Whatever the reason, she’s dead to me. They can send her corpse to Area 51 and dissect it for all I care…*wipes a single tear from eye*
Because you see that? That sort of rationale is what I would expect from Whiney. Creepy didn’t touch her while she was dead to the world, and this rare display of decency and restraint is viewed as undesirable. Whiney WISHES that Creepy had done more than simply strip her pants, and instead had gone ahead with his base urges and just stuck it in while she snored. What Whiney wants is to be RAPED, and there’s no misconstruing her meaning here. It’s plain as day. A surprise f*** while she’s lying drunk and unconscious would have been GOOD and SWEET and A SHOW OF ROMANTIC INTEREST. These are the vile lessons that are circulating in this book, over and over and over.
How does this book still manage to horrify me?
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (462) | Posted on Feb. 4, 2013, 2:31 a.m.|
|Chapter Five (Part 2)|
When last we saw her, Whiney had just discovered sexual arousal. That’s right. All that blushing and flushing and vajinal excreting from all the way back in the first chapter were just hunger spasms.
In the present, Whiney is blissfully rolling on the bed that her kidnapper dumped her into when she was drugged and unconscious. She contemplates what it would be like to belong to Creepy, and I assume it would be like being a battered ho, which is of course the height of femininity and what all womens should aspire to.
Oh my – what would I do to be his? He’s the only man who has ever set my blood racing around my body.
Apparently that jape about necrophilia was truer than we realized. Whiney was literally dead before she met Creepy. He’s a vampire and she’s a zombie. Even if her blood just started circulating at that very moment, that would still be far too late to revive her dead tissue. I hope Creepy likes the smell of rotting cooch.
Yet, he’s so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated, and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected.
Even from sentence to sentence, there is no shred of consistency in her thoughts. A calculator is capable of better data recall than this insipid half-wit. She just acknowledged that he was a stalker, a word that carries positive connotations in exactly NOWHERE, and in the very next sentence claims to feel safe and protected, concepts that are in natural opposition to stalking.
How horrible do these characters and the writing have to be that I have to argue with BASIC HUMAN LOGIC? Has E.L. James ever actually met another person, or are all the people in her life just hallucinations made up to arouse her?
He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger.
He didn’t “rescue” you. He stalked you into a club after you made it clear that you didn’t want him there. You being assaulted was just a happy coincidence, or an offensive ploy to hide the fact that this book has no plot, whichever. Getting drunk with friends on a Friday night is nothing that requires “rescue”.
Whiney compares Creepy to Ser Lancelot, and half my organs die from the indignity of that comparison (though to be fair Lancelot did steal Arthur’s wife Gwen, so he’s kind of a douchebag, which I’m sure is not what E.L. James was going for).
And then, for no apparent reason and with no buildup, she suddenly shoots up out of the bed to put her jeans on, and with such fabulous timing too because that is the exact moment Creepy emerges out of the bathroom, wet and dripping with a towel around his waist. Whiney gapes at the sight.
Even after suffering through a half dozen of James’ poorly constructed scenes, this is just ridiculous. It serves absolutely no purpose but to make this happen:
and there am I – all bare legs and awkward gawkiness.
Just another lame pretense to embarrass Whiney in front of the awesome, gorgeous and flawlessly legged Creepy Grey. This is “empowering” all those women who hate themselves to keep right on doing it, because that is attractive.
Also, either Creepy takes the fastest showers ever, or Whiney’s thought processes wouldn’t win a race with a glacier. I’m inclined to accept both conclusions. The latter needs no further evidence, and Creepy watching Whiney through the surveillance monitors in his bathroom so he could time his “sexy entrance” to the exact nanosecond is so delicious I can’t discount it.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (459) | Posted on Feb. 3, 2013, 9:41 p.m.|
|From: ArchangelBaruch | #454|
I would close the topic right now if I were you.
Why? If I closed a topic every time some pea brain burst in whining about how I don't like his crappy little rape fantasy while failing to comprehend the point of critical analysis then...um...I guess this topic will be closed, lol.
There will always be idiots. This book and its sales records prove that. No need to bow down and cater to their whims just because the truth makes them baww.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (452) | Posted on Feb. 3, 2013, 6:02 a.m.|
|From: Kazuma_Yagami | #449|
This topic is another case of people hating on things because its popular, only this time it comes with pointless analysis. If you think the book sucks just don't read it. You already began to read the book with a bias anyway so anything you said is just angst. I read this whole book and I thought it was alright. The inner goddess thing was cool. I'm not into it as much as other people but I can see why this book gets praise.
Holy cow! Your logic is just as painful as our dear heroine's! Yes, you got me, I hate this book only because its popular, and NOT because of the horrible writing, the repetition, the stupid and unlikable characters, the lack of plot, the lack of research, the pedophilic overtones, the British slang, the grammar and formatting errors, the childish dialogue, the poorly implemented scenes, the extreme misogyny, the messed up "romance", the trivialization of sensitive topics such as rape, stalking, abuse, and the general debasement of the female sex. Clearly none of that matters and this all boils down to me being jealous. Yeah huh.
So you think this book is "alright". I'm so glad at least one of us has defended their opinion so thoroughly. I have truly seen the light! Thanks for stopping by! Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (447) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 4:41 p.m.|
|From: khrulez | #446|
Probably. I mean, women are just as perverted as men, so I wouldn't be surprised if they just pretended to have read the book when all they really did was skip right to the sex parts.
No wait, I take that back. After rereading that horrible article (I didn't actually finish it the first time...it was that painful), it became clear to me that what women (or at least this particular woman) want is a man who caters to their every need.
To relinquish control and let someone else make all the decisions. That is very sexy.
No, that's sickening. Women have been trying to relinquish this view that they need to be taken care of and must have a man take charge of everything for them for decades, and yet this twit and the millions like her are using this series to undo all the good that's been done. And yet, mindbogglingly, she ropes in "empowerment" into her argument. What is "empowering" about being dependent on another gender? That is all that she is saying; she just wants a big strong rich man to take care of everything after a long day in the kitchen, because women aren't good for anything else. What a slime ball.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (445) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 2:52 p.m.|
|From: DevsBro | #442|
Bump for getting this topic off CE faster.
I'll make sure to write Part 2 in CAPS so you won't miss it. :P
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (437) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 6:13 a.m.|
|From: khrulez | #435|
I think you should continue this project in the event I die from reading so much stupid or from liver failure. You expressed my feelings better than I did, and the female perspective is especially appreciated. It disturbs me daily that some men are really using these books as a dating manual, and worse because this practice is being encouraged by women. I have a feeling though that what these women are really after is the kinky sex (the misogyny and abuse are just side dishes), so I can't wait to get to all that juicy stuff and see just why this is a cultural phenomenon. It would probably be best if we conserve our hatred for then. ;)
From: Chaze_the_chat | #436
Are you gonna do the sequels too?
If I'm still alive by the end of this, I don't see why not.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (433) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 2:04 a.m.|
|From: LordRattergun | #432|
You've got to hand it to him, Grey smiles evilly more than M.Bison.
Especially when its a "ghost of a smile"! That's just scary.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (429) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:32 a.m.|
|From: Vetzki | #428|
I'm angry that idiots buy this book and then have the gall to buy the other two books.
I know what you mean. When I found out Oprah reads these books and heartily recommends them as a rip roaring--if poorly written--good time (they weren't inducted into her book club, thank the gods), I think I stopped breathing for a full ten seconds. You'd think people with sense (especially people who are paid to dispense good sense like Oprah) would see these books for what they are. I have my own guilty pleasures, and there's nothing wrong with having them, but surely you can draw the line with books as damaging and insulting as these? I just down know anymore.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (427) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:20 a.m.|
|From: Vetzki | #426|
This is starting to make me f***ing angry.
Which part, specifically? There's probably several, but the glossed over rape from last chapter was what really tipped me over the edge. I'm curious to know what really got a strong reaction from you guys, if there's any.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (425) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:12 a.m.|
|There. All the “smiles” from Chapter 1 to this passage. When he’s not leering creepily, all this pig seems to do is smile with zero provocation. I’m sorry E.L. James, but when you’re writing, it would be nice if you put down the bong and actually pay some attention to what you’ve written. |
With the attempt at making Creepy appear dark and brooding an utter failure, he announces that he is going to take a shower, and not a single f*** was given. This is just a ploy though to get Whiney to shower first, and make all her body fluids gush down her legs in the process. She connects her ability to breathe to her medulla oblongata, which is at least half correct.
His grin widens, and he reaches over and runs his thumb down my cheek and across my lower lip.
“Breathe, Anastasia,” he whispers and rises. “Breakfast will be here in fifteen minutes. You must be famished.” He heads into the bathroom and closes the door.
*shudders* I swear, if you don’t run away from that hellhole right now and call the cops I’ll…I’ll…I’ll call that damn Kate!!
I let out the breath that I’ve been holding. Why is he so damned attractive? Right now I want to go and join him in the shower. I have never felt this way about anyone. My hormones are racing. My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. I feel like squirming with a needy, achy… discomfort. I don’t understand this reaction. Hmm… Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like.
I only posted this entire thing because it’s hilariously awful and an adult wrote this, but all I really care about is that last line. Not only has she never held hands, or kissed, or drank, but apparently she’s never even felt sexual desire. Unless you’re asexual, that’s not really something you can shrug off by the time you’re 21, at which point even a lamp post will turn you on. I know this is just a desperate and lazy trick to make their “love” seem more special and earthshattering than it is and to make Whiney seem more attractive through her extreme innocence, but she just comes off as a colorless blob, and blobs are ugly (unless you’re into that sort of thing). She has never had any significant life experiences, and she’s a few shades away from being a blank slate. She is boring. Who can relate to someone so inhumanly dull and empty?
And another thing, does it seem like she didn’t even understand the concept of desire up until this scene? That’s a load of hooey of course, as there’s lots of sexual tension in the “classic British literature” she claims to have read, so her having no understanding of it is bogus.
I think I’ll end it here, as this is a momentous occasion in Whiney’s joke of a life. She also takes a shower in the next section, and I want you all gnawing your fingers from the suspense.
This hasn’t been a very humorous recap, probably because there are so few things to laugh at. I myself can’t wait to get to the sex , because at least then we can all chortle at the inventive ways E.L. James will butcher the human anatomy in between all the abuse f***ery.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (424) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:11 a.m.|
|Thirdly, more victim blaming? Really? The only “stunt” she pulled was going out for a drink with her friends, and that wouldn’t be anything to blame her for even if you were her father so shut the f*** up. But I know you’re real problem is that she got herself assaulted. Yes, it is her fault that she was nearly raped. I mean, she must have lain down on the dance floor, set up arrows and traffic lights leading to her cooch and invited everyone in the club to drive on in. It’s not like she didn’t got ambushed by a man she trusted and regarded as a close friend. No, she instigated this. This is her fault, for she is a woman and she should have padlocked her vajina or kept it in a jar and made it so Creepy Grey would be the only one with exclusive access to it. |
Here’s one of the million idiots who think this s*** is empowering. I wept when she wrote that “women [should be] treated as equals with the same rights and opportunities as men”, and yet failed to notice that Creepy Grey has offered our heroine no such rights at any point in the first five chapters. Try not to barf. If you’re a woman you’ll never live down the shame.
And lastly, he is just so worried that something could have happened to her. If someone else had raped her, there wouldn’t be enough fresh thrills left for him! Whiney would just be soiled goods.
Shockingly Whiney doesn’t much care for his bulls***, but makes a mockery of it when she coos and sighs at the idea of being “his”. Then a character assassination occurs. Not of Whiney of course; her character was dead on arrival. This one will make you cry.
I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she’s doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.
*bawls into a handkerchief* Well, there you go. She did it. She actually did. E.L. James killed the only likable character in this ugly mess, as chosen by the readers. She sensed that we cared for her far more than we did her avatar, so she upped the dosage of whatever it is Whiney snorts between flushes and smoked her into oblivion. The only voice of reason in this book has been reduced to a dancing, abuse-empowering ninny.
That’s it guys, pack it up, we have no one left to root for…unless that bicycle makes another appearance. He was actually a pretty cool guy. Eh kills morons and doesnt afraid of anything
By the way, if anyone makes a macro of that, I would be ever so grateful. :D
Whiney points out that she could have gone home with Kate, which is the only sense anyone’s ever made so far in this chapter. Creepy then brings up Jose, and since no one blames him for anything Whiney gives him little thought. Creepy teases that he should punish Jose and teach him some manners, and then this of course leads to more *hint* *hint* I’M KINKY *wink* *wink*. And now I’m bored.
One minute, I’m confused and angry, the next I’m gazing at his gorgeous smile. Wow… I am entranced, and it’s because his smile is so rare.
He turns, sees me, and smiles
I see the ghost of a smile
I think he’s trying to suppress a smile.
His smile is rueful
without a trace of humor in his smile.
A ghost of a smile
lip curls in a wry smile
a hint of a smile
a small smile
his smile widens
a ghost of a smile
a half smile
his secret smile
a polite smile
a small smile,
a hint of a smile
secret smile is back
a smile on his beautifully chiseled lips
smile is sardonic
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (423) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:11 a.m.|
|….I don’t know what to say anymore. What can I say really? These morons aren’t based on any human beings that can realistically exist, so it’s just foolish to keep applying worldly rules to these scum. How can anyone actually get off on these two when they are such horrible, horrible people? Watching Hitler, Bill O’Reilly and the entire congregation of Westboro Baptist Church mud wrestling naked while singing Friday and reenacting Two Girls One Cup would be more stimulating than anything these jerks could get up to at this point. |
Further compounding my shock, Creepy now thinks he’s Batman!
“Anastasia, I don’t think so. Dark knight maybe.” His smile is sardonic
I’m moving to Marvel. I just know E.L. James is going to reveal that Creepy is actually Bruce Wayne, using his high-tech stalking equipment to fight world hunger and healthy relationships while driving his Creepmobile (the leather is insured). Nothing is safe, guys. NOTHING IS SAFE!!
Without giving me a break, the conversation shifts to eating, and…oh boy.
“Did you eat last night?” His tone is accusatory. I shake my head. What major transgression have I committed now? His jaw clenches, but his face remains impassive.
“You need to eat. That’s why you were so ill. Honestly Anastasia, it’s drinking rule number one.” He runs this hand through his hair, and I know it’s because he’s exasperated.
Um, f***er? Who are you to tell her when to eat? Oh, that’s right, the person who stripped her and abducted her and stalked her and grilled her about her relationships the second time he saw her. Carry on then.
If you’ve already lost your stomachs, then protect your colons because now we’re moving on from stalking to outright threats! There must be some award for A-hole Writer of the Century because E.L. James is gunning for it with all she’s got!
“Are you going to continue to scold me?”
“Is that what I’m doing?”
“I think so.”
“You’re lucky I’m just scolding you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk.” He closes his eyes, dread etched on his lovely face, and he shudders slightly. When he opens his eyes, he glares at me. “I hate to think what could have happened to you.”
I’m really tempted to bring out the CAPS again, but if I did that so easily there would be nothing stopping me from CAPSLOCKING this entire book, so I will abstain. It’s going to get worse than this right? Of course it is.
Where do I even begin? Firstly, and yet again, YOU HAVE NO F***ING RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GIRL SO YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO LECTURE HER ABOUT ANYTHING YOU PIECE OF FILTH. Fine, I went CAPS. Deal with it.
Secondly, this woman who is still the equivalent of a stranger failed to act exactly according to his Unholy Doctrine, so he is threatening her with violence and punishment. This man isn’t just a freak, he has a f***ing God complex. The only difference is he is aware that she isn’t “his”, not that that would stop him, and not that that would prevent him from buying her if he could, because that’s all love is in these books, some form of ownership. I’ve said it before, and I’ll it say again, HOW CAN ANYONE FIND THIS BEHAVIOR DESIRABLE?! WOMEN ARE NOT CONSIDERED PEOPLE IN THESE BOOKS WHY DO SIXTY MILLION PEOPLE NOT GET THIS?!
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (422) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:10 a.m.|
|“Firstly, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet.|
So? Assault weapons are available over the internet too. Does that make it ok to use them to shoot people up because you have access to them? A lot of murderers would be happy to hear that!
Secondly, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices,
She didn’t say s*** about your worthless fantasy company, but it’s nice that you’re getting all defensive about it anyway! What difference does it make what you produce? You can manufacture diapers for all I care and as long as they’re making you billions you can buy an entire wing of the Pentagon and spy on anyone you want.
But that’s unnecessary. He already told us his business is “telecommunication”. You expect me to believe that he has no access to surveillance equipment and that he’d have to buy them off Craig’s List?
and thirdly, if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed, and from what I can remember, you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit,” he says acidly.
Before I let myself explode in a supernova of rage, I grit my teeth and looked up “pressing his suit”. Obviously, it’s British. But that’s not the worst part, because the meaning of those words and how they’re used here makes me want to throw up myself. Lord preserve me.
The operative word in this expression is "suit".
Concise Oxford English Dictionary © 2008 Oxford University Press:
;noun a man who pursues a relationship with a woman with a view to marriage.
That’s right. Creepy thinks that sexual assault and near-rape is the equivalent of a marriage proposal. If you weren’t convinced that this relationship is evil and f***ed up and the antithesis to a genuine, healthy romance, do you need any more proof than this?
Creepy was not purposefully characterized this way—because E.L. James is not capable of characterization—so this disgusting view of courtship is hers, hers and no one else’s. She truly thinks that a man violently forcing themselves on an unreceptive woman is the height of romance and the same as getting down on one knee. The sexual assault was absolutely presented as cute and romantic, and now there’s no denying it. A lot of stupid Twihards also felt the same about Jacob’s assault, even after Bella injured herself defending herself from him. It didn’t matter that they were Team Edward. What Jacob did was okay because he was just showing how much he loved Bella, and in Twiland there’s no other way to express that but through brute strength and sheer contempt for their partners.
It gets even worse when you really think about why Creepy said this. He is implying that Whiney clearly didn’t want to be assaulted by just any man. No, she wanted to experience the heavenly ecstasy of a sexual assault from a man she preferred. If Creepy shoved Whiney unto the bed, ripped off what was left of her clothes and had his forceful way with her right then and there, it would be no less beautiful than walking down the altar, because Whiney is attracted to him. Rape is fine as long as it’s from someone rich and handsome, and that’s all, because Whiney requires no further qualifications when it comes to earning the right to violate her.
It saddens me that Whiney didn’t flee the hotel in horror the moment this chapter started, but it brings down my spirits even further when she responds to this repugnant view of her trauma with…laughter.
Pressing his suit! I glance up at Christian, he’s glaring at me, his gray eyes blazing, aggrieved. I try to bite my lip, but I fail to repress my laughter.
“Which medieval chronicle did you escape from?” I giggle. “You sound like a courtly knight.”
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (421) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:10 a.m.|
|For the crime of getting wasted like a normal young adult, he should be chaining you to a bed of coals and driving needles into your fingernails so you can properly atone for what you did? Oh no, this won’t be troubling at all when the torture sex finally starts and you willingly accept all that you “deserve”. |
Whiney meekly asks how she got there, and his response is…rofl.
“After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here,” he says phlegmatically.
Isn’t this charming? They are really playing this vomiting fiasco for all its worth! “WHAT?! THERE’S VOMITTING?! WHINEY VOMMITED?! THAT IS GROSS PLEASE DON’T STOP MENTIONING IT WHAT A DIRTY WHORE YUCK SHE VOMMITED NO REALLY?!?!”
And what a gentlemen our most desirable male character in literary history is! He didn’t want to risk having Whiney in his limo for a few extra miles to get her home because he didn’t want to spend money out of his billions to replace the leather in case she hurls! So the alternative? Take her to his hotel room and strip her down to her underwear without any consideration for what she or anyone else involved with her wanted! Before you argue, no he couldn’t have just opened a bag under her chin while taking her home. Bags cost money too, you know?
I can totally see why half the females in the world wish they had a Christian Grey. He mistreats women with such flair that no mere mortal man could possibly match it.
Their vile exchange continues, and Creepy flashes his license to a-hole with pride.
“Did you put me to bed?”
“Yes.” His face is impassive.
“Did I throw up again?” My voice is quieter.
“Did you undress me?” I whisper.
“Yes.” He quirks an eyebrow at me as I blush furiously.
“Yeah? I stripped you. What the f*** are you gonna do about it? Your body is my property and I can do whatever I want to it. You better blush, because I am what all women want and you should be grateful that I’m abusing you and not some other dumb twit.”
This is telling. She never threw up on herself, so why the hell did he strip her?
I rest my case.
Whiney asks if they “did it”, and Creepy responds with a resounding…
“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,” he says dryly.
But not too sentient, or how will you ever get them to your apartment? Since the walls in the bedroom are soundproof you can dispense with the roofies and have her screams all to yourself. That’s what you mean by “receptive” right?
And how funny that he mentions necrophilia. That would be even more hilarious if this was still a fanfic.
Whiney apologizes again for absolutely no reason, and Creepy laughs at her comical lack of self-esteem. Somehow she thinks she’s the villain in all this, because she vomited and inconvenienced him by forcing him to kidnap her without her consent. I’ve had about enough of this s*** so I’m just gonna ignore that. Then they start talking about the stalking and…oh boy.
You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond stuff you’re developing for the highest bidder,” I snap at him.
Good start, good start. But I don’t much care for the word “have”. She’s practically implying that he could have just asked her where she was and her weak, desperate linguini of a spine would have had no choice but to answer him. Whatever. There’s no point dwelling on this, for this gets a lot worse.
He stares at me, surprised, and if I’m not mistaken, a little wounded.
Because? He did track you down, and he did do it with technology that would easily be available to an evil billionaire like him. What’s with the pout? Would he have preferred “Ironman” instead of James Bond?
Hold on to your stomachs, because Creepy begins justifying his stalking!
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (420) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:08 a.m.|
|Creepy actually stripped her down to her underwear. I don’t really need to point out how awfully wrong this is right? |
And yes, it is wrong. Why did he need to take her to his hotel in the first place? Kate was there, you know, the person she lived with, and as far as I know Whiney made no indication that she would have consented to being carried off out of the club like a sack of flour just because she passed out in his vicinity (which happened because he roofied her drink, I remind). He had no right to do this, any of this.
But what do I know? I didn’t write the fastest selling romance in history. There are books on acceptable behavior that are being rewritten thanks to this series and I should really just get with the times already.
Whiney forgets to check her hymen for structural damage and spies some Advil and a glass of orange juice on the bedside table. E.L. James couldn’t find a way to adequately express the emotions in this scene, so she rips off orange juice commercials instead.
The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst quenching and refreshing. Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for reviving an arid mouth.
Whiney should forget publishing (or writing in general, as that second sentence shouldn’t be a sentence); this girl has a future in advertising!
Actually, I don’t feel that bad, probably much better than I deserve.
Never mind about the advertising; Whiney is a modern day Mother Teresa! She is filled with so much contrition for all the sins she had committed, such as the evil vices of drinking, and vomiting, and vomiting in front of sexy men, and being a victim of rape and assault. Thankfully this is a more feminist time and she doesn’t need to get flogged and stoned across Seattle. But she really should give up all her worldly possessions and have her devil parts sealed with cement, at least.
Before she can prostrate herself on the floor and beg God for forgiveness, Creepy knocks on the door and immediately enters the room because that’s what knocking is for. Whiney starts screaming at him, livid that he had dared to move her out of the club and strip her without her permission and demands to let her call Kate to pick her up, for she must be worried sick and wondering where she is.
Psyche! Got you there didn’t I?
Holy hell, he’s been working out. He’s in gray sweat pants that hang, in that way, off his hips and a gray singlet, which is dark with sweat, like his hair.
I have no idea what “that way” is, but I’m imagining him with a raging boner and he’s just hanging his pants off it, and I wish there was enough vodka in the world to clear that image from my head. Also, I had no idea what a singlet was, but apparently it’s just a British term for a tank top. Why his pants are hanging off his tank top I have no clue.
After that bit of sentence structure fail, we get more scenes from To Catch a Predator!
Christian Grey’s sweat, the notion does odd things to me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I feel like a two-year old, if I close my eyes then I’m not really here.
This is what I’ve always wanted to read: raptures about how sexually attractive a guy is followed by comparisons to toddlers! Two-year olds are such sluts, and I always suspected all that drooling was due to rampant sexual arousal! Finally a book that exposes those pint-sized skanks for what they are!
Although, I don’t quite get the last portion of that paragraph. Do two-year olds routinely close their eyes and turn invisible? Or am I going to have to read some “classic British literature” to understand what the f*** she said here?
Creepy asks how she’s feeling, and Whiney pretends to be contrite again.
“Better than I deserve,” I mumble.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (419) | Posted on Feb. 2, 2013, 12:08 a.m.|
|Chapter Five (Part One)|
In the previous chapter of this paragon of the Women’s Movement, our heroine narrowly escaped sexual assault by one of her closest friends only to pass out unconscious after her love interest spiked her drink. No, I didn’t pull your legs by switching this book with some cynical modern day tragedy about a downtrodden young woman struggling to survive in the streets while her life degenerated into a haze of drugs and prostitution. This is really Fifty Shades of Grey. This is a romance. I wish I was kidding.
We find ourselves in an unknown location, and while any sane person would probably be screaming themselves hoarse, Whiney is strangely fine with waking up on a bed that is not her own…because she’s a moron, and it’s shocking that she ever managed to last 21 years on this Earth without any survival instincts.
I’m tranquil and serene, enjoying the strange unfamiliar surroundings. I have no idea where I am.
I know what you mean. There is nothing more comfortable and soothing than waking up in a place with “strange unfamiliar surroundings”. I also enjoy being shot at and nothing clears my sinuses like a good gas chamber. With enough derpy writing, you can have thought processes like these too!
Speaking of derp, apparently Whiney’s eyeballs can dislodge themselves from her head and zoom around the room, because she sees this:
The headboard behind me is in the shape of a massive sun.
The very first thing you noticed is the headboard? Not the walls, the windows, the ceiling, or even the bed sheets, but the damn headboard? Do you always arch your back up like the girl in the Exorcist and stare at the headboard upside-down immediately after waking up?
E.L. James eventually remembers that she’s writing in first person and that she can’t just randomly describe crap that her POV has no way of seeing yet and finally tells us about the room, which is furnished in browns and golds and beige. So it looks like a s*** sundae. I think I’d rather learn more about the headboard.
Whiney holy craps when she realizes that she’s in Creepy’s suite at the Heathman Hotel. Remember, that place where they had that useless, one page photo shoot that served no other purpose than to get these trolls together? Yeah, neither do I.
I didn’t mention it last chapter, but apparently Creepy had been staying at the hotel the entire time since the Bicycle Massacre of 2010. Despite having to clone himself into a hundred separate douchebags to singlehandedly run his gajillion dollar stalking company, he has the time to sit around in a hotel for a week just so he can be close enough to abduct-uh, save Whiney when she predictably jeopardizes her own life, or is within a mile of a bicycle. This is creepy to the umpteenth degree, but I’m sure there are some lonely housewives out there who wish their husbands would go through this much trouble to make them feel hunted and preyed like wild animals. Oh the romance!
Fractured memories of the previous night come slowly back to haunt me. The drinking, oh no the drinking, the phone call, oh no the phone call, the vomiting, oh no the vomiting. José and then Christian. Oh no. I cringe inwardly.
Before you strangle yourself from the sheer insipidness of this idiot’s thoughts, just take a look at this for a second. See what’s missing? Her vomiting yet again takes center stage over her sexual assault, which she can’t for the life of her recall because it was just that unimportant. The real issue of course is that she soiled herself before two strapping young gents! Men will never fight over her womb like a vessel for procreation now!
I’m wearing my t-shirt, bra, and panties. No socks. No jeans. Holy s***.
I need to take a shot every time she “holy [insert word]’s”. I might die with my liver floating out of my mouth by the end of the chapter, but at least I’ll be out of my misery.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (417) | Posted on Jan. 31, 2013, 9:05 p.m.|
|Fair enough. I'll concede to reevaluating my opinion on him. I still can't imagine anyone else playing a handsome jerkass as well as he can though. I say that as a compliment now.|
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (414) | Posted on Jan. 31, 2013, 8:42 p.m.|
|From: James_Doakes | #408|
Christian Bale, since I already despise him as a person.
Aww, I have a stalker who still reads my posts despite continually blabbering about how much he hates them. Going by the logic of this series you must be madly in love with me. And sorry, no, hating this worthless series will never be an "ignorant opinion". Try again.
From: brawl__08 | #411
From: meteor9898 | Posted: 1/28/2013 2:03:17 PMChristian Bale, since I already despise him as a person.
Google "Christian Bale rant" for more details. He's fine as as an actor, I just think he's extremely full of himself and treats people he finds below him like scum...kinda like Christian Grey.
For those asking about My Immortal, just pm me and I'll send you the links to that site.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (406) | Posted on Jan. 29, 2013, 8:44 p.m.|
|I bump. No updates for a day or two I'm afraid, as I just got through finals and I'm giving myself a break from things that make my head hurt.|
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (402) | Posted on Jan. 28, 2013, 11:03 a.m.|
|From: SerenitySays | #398|
Who in your opinion is the best candidate to play Christian Grey on the big screen?
Christian Bale, since I already despise him as a person. But who I think could really do his character justice? Danny DeVito.
No need to ask about Ana. A sea cow could play her, and could probably come up with better lines.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (396) | Posted on Jan. 27, 2013, 9:22 p.m.|
|She needs her own spinoff that's for sure. Hopefully directed by Ridley Scott.|
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (394) | Posted on Jan. 27, 2013, 8:58 p.m.|
|From: HylianFox | #389|
How in the F*** is he the tormented one!?
Well, considering how predictable this story is and how dumb E.L. James is about most everything, I assume his fascination with whips and chains is a result of this torment, because BDSM and kinky sex are always a product of some deep childhood trauma (remember he was very touchy when Whiney asked him about his childhood).
Yeah, I'm really gonna enjoy destroying that massive bit of Fail.
|LOST vs Walking Dead (15) | Posted on Jan. 26, 2013, 6:35 p.m.|
|From: JustMyOpinion | #014|
Just about everything was answered...just answered in a really crappy manner.
"Magic light" is not an answer, and does not even begin to explain all the longstanding mysteries like Walt, the stillbirths, and the cabin. Even mysteries introduced in Season 6 were left hanging, like the lighthouse and the resurrections...
|LOST vs Walking Dead (13) | Posted on Jan. 26, 2013, 6:26 p.m.|
|From: MarqueeSeries | #011|
The discussion after each episode and the speculating you did with your friends/online while you wait for the next episode made LOST the best experience I've had watching a show
Its just a shame that all that speculation will forever remain speculation...as nothing was answered.
|LOST vs Walking Dead (4) | Posted on Jan. 26, 2013, 6:06 p.m.|
|From: stu300189 | #003|
From: dadeep | Posted: 1/27/2013 1:56:38 AM | #002Lost seasons 1-4 >>>> Walking Dead > Lost seasons 5-6
I'd switch 3 part 2 with 4, as that is still to me the greatest chain of episodes ever shown on television, but other than that yeah.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (384) | Posted on Jan. 26, 2013, 4:03 p.m.|
|From: DrakoVongola1 | #379|
Wait, is this supposed to get a movie?
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (372) | Posted on Jan. 25, 2013, 7:54 p.m.|
|From: Shousen | #369|
Holy ****. You ok there tc? Got a bit intense there for a minute.
I'm okay. Been distracting myself with some boring textbooks which always calms me down. Having a cousin who was recently raped by her ex, this garbage probably hits me harder than it would most people. Then again, that only motivates me to keep going. Tearing this thing a new one is starting to feel like catharsis.
From: UndertakrRIP | #370
Tag for when I'm sober
Sober + This Book is not a good combination, my friend.
|I, a 23 year old male, will read 50 Shades of Grey (365) | Posted on Jan. 25, 2013, 4:23 p.m.|
|From: HylianFox | #364|
At least I'm learning how NOT to write a love story.
Or how NOT to earn a billion dollars and a movie deal. >__>